Letting your guard down .. or not! The start of my journey with BJJ

I did my 1st ever open mat at BJJ - 9 weeks into training…

In another exciting instalment of what Tammy can get up to now in the pursuit of living .. She joined Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Yes… she did!. You heard correctly.

Newsflash - It’s HARD!

Feelings from today’s open mat are so complex.

I cried all the way home with overwhelm and a genuine feeling of, “OMG, can I actually do this?”

I’m listening to Rage Against the Machine as I write this - probably significant.

Let’s break it down…

Felt scared, nervous and very anxious going in.

BJJ is proper body-on-body contact - not generally the realm of the trauma-informed therapist!

What would the rolls be like? Would people be nice?

Absolute terror of not remembering any technique whatsoever- which literally happened.

Feeling so underqualified to be there.

Feeling small. I am not small.

Feeling vulnerable. Not a usual feeling I experience; I can usually muster up some tenacity.

On reflection, I left feeling scared, but hopeful.

Scared that as a woman I am always weaker physically.

But..in life generally, physical strength only goes so far - I’m hopeful I will learn the technique for the rest.

The feeling of being overwhelmed by a stronger competitor, and yes, often a man, is triggering. Really triggering.

It brought back feelings from a long ago domestic violence situation (part of my trauma experience)

Again, but… only insofar as, questioning, “Where’s my power here?’, “Am I safe?”

Yes I was safe. Without question. 100%

That is why I chose this particular gym, these people, to process and reimagine my trauma and trauma reaction.

Is it easy?

Hell no.

Will it be worth it?

Time will tell.

For now, I feel courageous. I want to continue. I want to exert my will and stand tall in who I am. I have endured. If life has taught me anything, it’s to keep turning into the fight, never give up.

And I will not submit (unless technically necessary under the protocols of jiu jitsu!) 😂

Thank you to all the people who walk alongside me in this.

Allowing me space to try. To learn. To feel.

It’s a huge help.

I am the strongest person I know. 

And now I’m testing the mettle again.

I’m always open to talking about my experiences in life and work if it will help someone else understand their own story or help them find a way to get through something tough or challenging.

Please reach out to me.

** As a sports psychologist, I feel it’s important to tune into a person’s feelings and notice reactions or behaviours that might not be immediately obvious 

** Check in with people; things change day to day. Be a friend.

** I’ve read “Transforming trauma with Jiu Jitsu” By Jamie Marich and Anna Pirki as part of my PhD studies.